So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
