I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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