I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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