I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Ladies don't puke and tell
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
