dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
