you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
