No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
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I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
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It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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