we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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