I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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