Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
