He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
