Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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