Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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