I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize
