I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
just found out that she named her cat after me.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
