I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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