I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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