totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
