and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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