LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
