he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
