I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
