Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
