I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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