she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i want to swaddle you in tequila
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
