she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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