I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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