Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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