I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my being single is dangerous.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
