I accidentally had phone sex last night
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
