my vag is so smooth its legendary
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
