I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
