We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Dick very happy bro
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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