the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
