This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
