Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
