just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Randomize
