Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
