I will die if light touches me.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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