There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
