Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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