I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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