Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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