dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
