His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I am naked and annoyed.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
