Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
