her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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