shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
