Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
