there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
