I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
