woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
