If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
