were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
