Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
