I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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