Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
