I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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