just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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