Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize